One Sponge, a Courtroom, and a Burger Place
by Equus-Forever
Summary: The Krusty Krab is sued, and Squidward and Spongebob are ordered to think of a gimmick that will bring the money back. What will happen when SPONGEBOB's idea is accepted? Plot altered. 0923: FINAL CHAPTER UP! READ THE CONCLUSION! A SPONGEBOB SAGAS NOVEL
1. Chapter 1: Hold the Onions?

Spongebob woke up one morning, excited to work at the Krusty Krab.

"I'm ready!" he shouted as his foghorn alarm clock went off. Meanwhile, two doors down, Squidward was groaning.

"Wouldn't it be nice to just relaaax and read?" he said to himself, then sighed. "Who am I kidding? I'm no better than a sea elephant at the circus—working for sea-nuts." He laughed at his own joke, his nasal laughter echoing in his house. "Ha. Sea-nut. Working. Ha!"

Pretty soon, he and Spongebob were at the Krusty Krab.

"Time to feed the hungry masses!" Spongebob chirped, grabbing his spatula. He peered at Squidward through the window between the kitchen and the actual restaurant. "Should I give the patties two flips today or three?" he almost yelled.

"Gaah! Spongebob!" Squidward roared, holding a magazine up, "I'm trying to read _National Seaographic _before the customers come in!"

"Okay, Squidward." Spongebob answered. Then he yelled, "Oh, goody, Squid! Here's a customer now!"

"Oh, yeah! How much more exciting can it get?" the cetacean replied, rolling his eyes.

"I know." Spongebob screeched. "Making Krabby patties…one by one…for deserving customers!"

"I was being _sarcastic_, Spongebob!"

"Shhh…" Spongebob said in awe. "Here comes the customer. Hey, it's Katie!"

"Hi, SB!" Katie, the customer, said. As usual, the purple fish wore a red bikini, a red skirt, and red shoes. "I'll had a triple Krabby Patty Supreme with double cheese!"

"Coming right up!" Spongebob answered, disappearing into the kitchen.

He looked around and began gathering the ingredients. He picked up three patties, three onion slices, two pieces of undersea cheese, buns, and some lettuce, and then began to assemble the sandwich. He handed the sandwich to Squidward, who handed it to Katie. Grinning, she took an appreciative bite, then screamed, a horrified look on her face. She began to run back and forth like she was crazy.

"Excited about the Krabby Patty?" Spongebob laughed, looking out. Katie stopped short, boils beginning to pop up on her skin.

"Hey, Katie, you have seahorse pox!" the yellow sponge laughed. "You'd better get cream to get rid of it!"

"It's…not…seahorse pox!" the fish screeched. Squidward stared in alarm. "Katie, you okay?" he asked.

"No, I'm not okay! You put onions on my Krabby…_owww! Itchy!..._patty! I'll sue! I'm going to be red and sore for days!" she threatened, racing out the door and to the hospital.

"Oh, no, Sponge!" Squidward wailed.

"I know!" Spongebob sniffled. "Poor Katie!"

"No! The Krusty Krabs gonna be _sued! _Sued, SB!"

"And it's all my fault." Spongebob sniffled.

"No, it's not." Squidward replied. He sighed and rolled his eyes skyward, as if somehow begging the world for forgiveness. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but it's _not your fault. _That customer shoulda told you! Too many people today are suing for frivolous reasons! Bikini Bottom's supposed to be a democracy, people, not a bow-to-silly-whims-nation!"

"Wow, that's a lot of big words, Squid." Spongebob gasped, gazing at him in awe.

Squidward rolled his eyes again, but just then, Mr. Krabs walked up to the door of the restaurant. He scuttled through the door. Both of his employees began to whistle, but the crustacean suspected something. He sniffed the air and groaned.

"I smell the smelly smell of something that smells…smelly." he said.

"Oh, it's true!" Spongebob wailed. "The Krusty Krab is being suuuuued!"

"Sued!" Mr. Krabs yelled. "That's crazy talk, lad!"

"No, it's not!" Spongebob sobbed. "Katie ate onions!"

"Oh, no." Mr. Krabs groaned. "We are being sued, aren't we?"


	2. Chapter 2: A Distraught Crab

"Okayee, men!" Mr. Krabs bellowed. Spongebob and Squidward sat in their boss' office. "What do you propose we do?"

"I propose we just work until then." Squidward replied. "Nothing you can do to _stop_ it."

"Aye, I suppose, I suppose." Mr. Krabs answered calmy, then exploded. "_WHAT DID YOU SAY? WE CAN STOP IT!_"

"No, we can't!" Spongebob sighed. "Katie sued us, Mr. Krabs. Look!" he said.

Mr. Krabs took a piece of paper from Spongebob's hand and shrieked, then paled, so that he was no longer a red crab but a white crab. Spongebob dashed a bucket of underwater water on him, and Mr. Krabs returned to a normal color. He banged his big, meaty claw on the table and yelled out a few choice swear words. The two employees stared at each other, and then back at their boss, who looked fit to break his shell. Squidward hid behind his magazine, but the yellow sponge tried to calm Mr. Krabs.

"Mr. Krabs, it's okay!" he soothed in his most calming voice. "It'll be all right!"

"No, it won't, laddie!" Mr. Krabs sobbed. "She's suin' me for five thousand dollars! Apparently them boil creams and treatments be expensive!"

"Oh, no, Mr. Krabs!" Spongebob screeched in horror, his voice sounding like fingernails on a blackboard. "How much money do you have?"

"Nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine dollars and ninety-nine cents." Mr. Krabs whispered.

"You're worried about losing five thousand dollars?" Squidward laughed. "_HAW, haw, haw!_"

Mr. Krabs pinched Squidward's long nose and glared at him before crumpling the sheet of paper. He announced to the Krusty Krew that he expected to see them as witnesses in court on Saturday, the day that the case—Troutington (Katie) vs. Krabs would be heard. That was the last thing the bluish, sarcastic, cetacean wanted to hear, but the brightly colored sponge gasped out eagerly that he would love helping the Krusty Krab.

"All rise for the honorable Judge Howard Toothis!" said a court official. A judge walked into the Bikini Bottom courthouse. A shark walked up to the podium and looked around at Mr. Krabs, Squidward, and Spongebob, in the plantiff's box, and Katie, her lawyer, and a few fish in the defendant's box. He wondered why eccentric Mr. Krabs didn't have a lawyer, then realized that he probably thought a lawyer was too expensive. He called the creatures to stand, and then had Katie's lawyer list the charges. Katie, covered in scars from the boils, pouted at the plaintiffs.

"My client, Katie Troutington, ate onions at the Krusty Krab, but she didn't know it." announced the lawyer, rubbing his clammy, cold, fishy front fins together like hands. "Her medical bills totaled four thousand, five hundred dollars! We are demanding five thousand because of pain and suffering."

"Aye, pain 'n suffering nothing!" Mr. Krabs muttered to Spongebob. Squidward yawned and looked around the courtroom. He was obviously bored and disgusted at losing his weekend, but there was nothing he could do. Pretty soon, he was called up as the first witness. He plodded up to the witness' stand, swore to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, and yawned. Then the judge asked questions.

"Mr. Tennis Shoes…" the judge began.

"Tentacles!" Squidward snapped.

"Mr. Intestinals…" the shark started to say.

"_Tentacles!_"

"Mr. Tinkles…" the judge continued, annoyed, "let's just get on with this, okay?"

"Fiiine." Squidward grumbled. "As long as I can get out of here."

"Mr. Tetanus Shots, did this young lady say something to the effect of, 'one this-and-such, no onions?"

"We don't serve 'this-and-such' at the Krusty Krab, we serve glop!" Squidward chuckled. He began to laugh his annoying, nasal laugh. "Haw, haw. Glop. Gotta remember that one."

"Sir!" the sharky judge snapped, "Did Katie order her food without onions?"

"No." Squidward answered, "She said, 'I'll have a triple Krabby Patty Supreme with double cheese'"

The jury began to murmur and the stenographer took notes. It was quiet in the courtroom before Squidward left the stand and a certain sponge was called up. Judge Toothis sighed, remembering the few times when Spongebob had appeared for jury duty, annoying everyone, even the suspects, with his annoying little laugh as he listened to the case and laughed at funny words or things he didn't understand, like money laundering, which he thought was washing clothes for pay. Shaking his head, the shark asked Spongebob a question.

"Mr. Squarepants, are there always onions on a triple Krabby Patty Supreme with double cheese?"

"Yeah!" Spongebob replied. "They're tasty!"

"Ms. Troutington," asked the judge, did you ask to omit onions?"

"No!" Katie wailed. "There was no sign warning about onions!"

One by one, each of Katie's witnesses were called up. They'd been dining in at the Krusty Krab at the time she'd eaten the onions, and they all professed there was no warning sign up about onions. Everyone, save Spongebob and Mr. Krabs, began to look concerned. Even Squidward looked concerned. He knew that in today's world, if there weren't warnings on practically everything, there would be trouble, because sooner or later, whatever company, store, or eating establishment didn't put warnings on even the silliest things was responsible for the consequences. It was stupid, but it happened. Squidward was a very smart octopus, but nobody every bothered talking to him about news and politics, the things he was interested in—besides clarinet playing and interpretive dance.

"I even have pictures of the Krusty Krab for my photo album!" said a new resident to Bikini Bottom. "I took pictures because the burgers are so darn tasty!"

The judge looked at the photos and gasped. "No sign warning about onions? Lots of people have allergies to onions! Why not, Mr. Krabs?"

"Wellll…" Mr. Krabs said uncomfortably. "I didn't want to buy anymore paint than I needed! It would've been fifty-six cents to paint the sign. And why would I do that? I'm trying to save money! Sweet, sweet money! Money, money, money. I love money."

"Will the jury please go and make their decision?" asked the judge. Squidward, Mr. Krabs, and Spongebob went to get lunch at the Krusty Krab while the jury decided. Everyone except Katie ate at the Krusty Krab, too. Squidward ordered a small drink, having an aversion to Krabby Patties, but everyone else ordered the original, one and only Krabby Patty. Some people requested 'no onions', to Mr. Krab's relief. He still didn't want to paint the sign for fifty-six cents. Everyone sat down to eat, but all three Krusty Crew members were worried. Spongebob didn't want the Krusty Krab to close because he loved making Krabby Patties for people. Mr. Krabs, of course, didn't want to lose money. And Squidward didn't want the restaurant to close because he didn't want to lose the job right now; he was practicing for the Great Clarinet Trials at nearby Pearltown. If the Krusty Krab closed, he'd have to spend his time finding a new job, and he wouldn't be able to practice as much.

Before long, the stenographer announced that it was time to go back to the courtroom.

"We, the jury, have unanimously awarded the case to Ms. Katie Troutington. Mr. Krabs must pay five thousand dollars to her." announced Sheila, a gray fish in a green dress, who had coiffed white hair. The next instant, a horrible sound erupted in the courtroom. It was a loud, crunchy, cracking sound, like a bunch of bugs being stepped on at once. Then…

"Yaarg! Me money!"

Mr. Krabs had broken out of his shell in frustration and began to sob.

"Me money!" he choked, his tears flowing like fountains. "Gone…money…no more!"

"Mr. Krabs…" Squidward ventured, "it's just five thousand dollars. It's okay! You've still got the restaurant."

"Don't remind me, Squidward!" Mr. Krabs gasped, running out of the courtroom. His employees followed, but he didn't pay attention. He bawled as if he'd broken his leg, and even Spongebob was beginning to feel embarrassed as other Bikini Bottom residents stared at him. Pearl and some friends were walking by, talking about high school, when the passed the scene.

"Isn't that your dad?" asked Laura Roughy. Pearl turned pink, because everyone knew Mr. Krabs was her father. Her friends began to snicker. Mr. Krabs sat down on a bench outside the courtroom to collect himself, but he didn't notice his daughter.

"Daaaaddy!" Pearl wailed from a few yards away. "What are you doing?"

The middle-aged crustacean looked at his daughter and sobbed anew.

"We've lost five thousand dollars, Pearly!"

"So?" Pearl growled. "You don't need to make a scene!"

There was no answer but the quiet groaning of Mr. Krabs as he headed for home, saying he needed to think about it. His daughter swallowed hard and stomped off, her friends in tow. They were trying not to snicker, but it was hard. Pearl was fed up, so she took off for home also, excusing herself to her friends. She avoided her father and went into her room, listening to the latest song by the hit band Red Tide.

While all this had gone on, a crowd had gathered at the courtroom. Patrick Star came up to Spongebob, wondering what was going on.

"Hey Spongebob, are you waiting for the football game with everyone?" he asked.

Spongebob laughed his characteristic laugh. "No, buddy!" he answered brightly. "Mr. Krabs lost five thousand dollars, but we'll work hard to get it back!"

Patrick began to dig in the sand.

"No, Pat! He got sued!" Spongebob laughed while waving good-bye to Squidward, who was heading home. Earlier that day, Mr. Krabs had told his employees not to bother coming in, as he was going to shop around for the cheapest paint—to paint the 'we serve onions' sign, remember?—that day and didn't want to risk being sued again in the process.

"Sue?" the starfish screeched, confused. "Who's Sue? Why does Mr. Krabs want her? And what does that have to do with money?"

"No, Patrick!" the yellow sponge said, as if talking to a small child. He spoke slowly. "Katie Troutington ate onions at the Krusty Krab, but she didn't know it. She got sick, so Mr. Krabs pay had to back the cost of her medicine!"

Patrick gave Spongebob a blank look, and then the two friends walked back to their houses. Mr. Krabs, a few blocks away, was sitting on his doorstep and bemoaning his misfortune.

"You poor man!" said an old lady walking by. "You look so sad. Have a quarter!"

"I don't need yer smelly quarter!" Mr. Krabs yelled, giving it back to her. "I've got me pride!"

The elderly fish walked off, disgusted.

"I may have lost me money, but I still got me pride!" Mr. Krabs shouted as if he wanted the world to hear.

A few minutes later, he was in front of Cheap-o-World, the local discount store, dancing around in a yellow price tag costume and singing the store's slogan.


	3. Chapter 3: Spongebob's Idea

The following Sunday, Squidward and Spongebob were at work again. A rough-hewn, white-painted wooden sign hung by the menu. It read, 'WE SERVE ONIONS! TELL US IF YOU'RE ALLERGIC!' in big black letters. Our spongy friend went right to work, laughing and flipping patties, assembling the sandwiches, and getting drinks. It was just another quiet though busy day at the restaurant (_A mundane day, _thought Squidward) until closing time. Squidward stretched out his upper tentacles in relief and stuffed his hat under the cash register. He was already thinking about practicing his clarinet, but before he even stepped out from behind the cash register, Mr. Krabs came scuttling up, tripping a little. Coming out of the kitchen, Spongebob gave one of his big, adoring smiles—one of those that would annoy you after a while.

"Quit grinnin' like you won the lottery, lad!" Mr. Krabs ordered. Spongebob reduced the wattage of his smile. "We need to figure out how to regroup me five thousan' dollars!" the red crustacean continued. "Idea conference in my office, _now!_"

And seeing Squidward open his mouth, Mr. Krabs added, "No, Squiddy, you cannot go home right now, so whatever you've got to say, don't say it."

Squidward rolled his strange red eyes and followed a business-like Mr. Krabs and an eager Spongebob into Mr. Krabs' office.

"What will bring in money, lads?" Mr. Krabs asked as they sat down in the bare office. Not surprisingly, Spongebob was full of ideas.

"Another talent show! Bubble-blowing classes! Or art commissions! Yeah! I can paint!" the eager sponge rattled off.

"Quiet, boy. Squidward, do you have any ideas?"

"Clarinet lessons, taught by the master—_me!_" Squidward suggested in a prideful voice.

Mr. Krabs curled his lip. "I don't think so, Squid." he shook his head. He thought Squidward sucked, but he didn't want to risk offending the guy and having him quit now, so he hastily added, "I don't think anyone would get as good as you—they'd get frustrated and quit."

"That's true!" Squidward replied, smiling for the first time.

They swapped ideas back and forth, but most of the ideas were brought up by Spongebob. After turning down idea after idea, Mr. Krabs banged a claw on the table in frustration. He was all out of ideas, and now his employees were offering the stupidest ideas. That was, until Spongebob, after several minutes of thought, came up with a brilliant idea. Or at least he thought it was brilliant.

"Let's have a singing contest and call it…uh…er…um…" he paused a moment, and then jumped up in excitement. "We'll call it Islandia Idol!" he shouted, referring to the country that Bikini Bottom was in. "People can come from all over and sing, and whoever is the best wins! We'll eliminate the worst singers in the auditions, then…uh…have people vote off the top twenty! Yeah! Harlem Golden said the human have something like that on land and it was a success!"

"How does Harlem Golden know?" Squidward asked, curious.

"He was in a fishbowl on land once." Mr. Krabs said sadly, for he knew the story, too. "He learned a lot about humans, but when the humans lost money, they flushed him down the land toilet and he ended up in the sea!"

"Oh, he's that one who knows _nothing_ about life in the sea!" snorted Squidward.

"Anyway, Spongeboy, me bob, that's not a good idea." Mr. Krabs said. "We'd have to buy microphones and set decorations and we'd have to advertise—sounds expensive."

"Mr. Krabs, we could rent seahorses!" Spongebob chirped. "There's lots of seahorses at the shelter! People like to ride seahorses. You have that old barn, don't you? And they don't eat much!"

"Spongebob Squarepants, you're brilliant!" Mr. Krabs shouted. "To the shelter!"

"Yay!" Spongebob cheered.

_I have a bad feeling about this, _Squidward thought.


	4. Chapter 4: On the Trails

Squidward and Spongebob were fixing a seahorse corral at the stable that had once belonged to Mr. Krabs' late father. The crustacean had planned on selling the property, but nobody had wanted it. Now he took down his hand-written signs that had told about the place for sale. He had his employees go to work one early evening after closing time, and that was how the two co-workers found themselves fixing an old corral.

Mr. Krabs was down at the shelter, adopting quiet seahorses for only thirty dollars a piece. The animals weren't models of beauty, but they were cute and affectionate. They were pretty slow, but most people who wanted to rent seahorses were scared of fast paces, anyway. Superstitiously, Mr. Krabs named all the horses after money for good luck. He got as many horses as there were stalls in the stable—ten. He didn't like spending all that money, adopting them, but he thought they'd soon profit.

Spongebob already knew the seahorses' names, for Mr. Krabs had named them ahead of time. He was painting the names on the stalls: Money, Expensive, Ka-Ching, Cash, Bill, Check, Pricey, Profit, Wealthy, and Rich. When Mr. Krabs came in, he had already assigned one name to each seahorse, depending on its personality or looks. For example, he called a green seahorse Bill because he was the color of money.

Mr. Krabs had some tack (saddles and bridles) in his mother's house from when his father had owned and ridden seahorses. He cleaned it all up and put it in the tack room while Spongebob put the horses in their stalls and an annoyed Squidward rationed out feed (also known as Mr. Krabs' lawn clippings).

The next day, day, everyone in Bikini Bottom had a flyer in their mailbox:

BUBBLY TRAILS SEAHORSE-BACK-RIDING

$40.00 per hour! No more need to drive an hour to Coralville

to ride friendly seahorses!

Call about group rates—call Mr. Eugene Krabs!

Call .

"Yay, Mommy, we get to ride seahorsies!" a very happy child grouper shouted. He and his mother were the first customers at the stables, and they'd come the day after the flyers had been put out. Sandy Cheeks, the squirrel who wore an air helmet underwater when she wasn't in her land bubble, had a day off from her job at a store in the Bikini Bottom Mall and was volunteering to saddle up as she, a squirrel from Texas, knew something about horse care, and seahorses weren't all that different from land horses.

Mr. Krabs had had to find employees for at the stables, which he didn't take to too well, but it had to be done. He really wanted to get five thousand dollars or more in profits because, of course, having to pay Katie that money. The stables operated during Krusty Krab hours and an hour after. Spongebob, who still missed Mystery, his old seahorse, liked to watch the seahorses for an hour after work.

At this moment, however, it was the lunch hour, and Spongebob was busy. Sandy saddled up Bill, the green seahorse, for the woman, and saddled Check, the smallest seahorse, for the child. The two fish got on the seahorses roughly and the child bounced up and down, yelling happily. The seahorses didn't really care. They just grazed. Sandy got on a nice seahorse mare, Expensive, so named because she was the fanciest-looking of all the seahorses.

"Come on, little critter!" the squirrel chirped. "Let's go ride the range! Yee-haw!"

"Yay!" the fish said, riding beside his mother, who gave him a big grin. All they did was sit on the swimming animals, but as they passed some actual equestrians (or whatever you can call seahorse handlers), the equestrians laughed.

"They think they can _ride_?" laughed a salmon on a spirited ex-race-seahorse.

"I can ride!" chirped the naïve kid. His mother beamed and snapped a picture of him. The seahorse she was riding sped up a little—just a hair—and the mother fish screeched. A few seconds later, though, her mount slowed down.

"Wow!" the kid gasped, awe in his voice. "You rode a race-seahorse, mommy! It was so fast!"

One of the equestrians, as they were still sharing the same trail, choked back a laugh and led her group onto a different trail, a more challenging one.

"Wasn't he fast, though, Gooby?" the mother asked her son. The little shrimp (okay, fish) nodded in affirmation. Before long, however, the hour was up and Sandy Cheeks led the two back to the stables. The woman fish paid her thirty dollars, and Mr. Krabs, who'd come over to check on things, put it in a super-secure box and hid it in the tack room.

Later that day, Spongebob and Squidward came down to the stables to see what was going on. A bunch of people were going on rides. Spongebob grinned happily and waved to a few people from his boating class. Squidward, however, was apprehensive.

_I still think something will go wrong_, he thought.

---

My thanks to ActionGirl07 for the good reviews:)

This is sort of an impulse chapter…I wrote it while the inspiration was hot, so it may be a little rougher than most chapters. :-D.


	5. Chapter 5: Squid was Right

One evening, Spongebob went to the stables. Squidward went home to practice his clarinet. Spongebob was surprised to see Patrick at the stables. A very patient fish was trying to teach him how to get on the seahorse, but the rather dense starfish was clueless. He grabbed a coin and kept jabbing the seahorse with it, trying to find the coin slot.

"Where's the slot? I want to ride the PONY!" Patrick almost screamed.  
"No, boy! It's the real thing!" said the fish, who was a gar. "Put your…uh…left stump in the stirrup and I'll help you swing up!"

"But the ride's not moving!"

"It's not a ride! Look!"

And the very disgusted gar gritted the big teeth typical to his species and walked the animal in a circle.

"Ahh! It's possessed!" Patrick wailed, running back and forth with his arms in the air.

"You insane echinoderm!" the toothy fish yelled. "It's a live seahorse!"

"Ohhh!" the starfish breathed, finally getting it. "Why didn't you say that before?"

The gar smacked his head. "Okay, let's go." he grumbled, helping Patrick mount the horse, the one named Profit. "My name's Sean. I'll be helping you ride today."

During all this, Spongebob was watching in amusement. He wasn't blind to the fact that his friend had a certain lack of intelligence, but he never teased or insulted Patrick. Still, the scene amused him. He bit his spongy lower lip with his silly buck teeth and tried to swallow his giggles.

As Sean and Patrick went riding, the starfish had a hard time staying in the stirrups with his stump legs. Finally, he just plain fell off. When that happened, he ran off in tears, but Sean caught him and made him pay his money. Patrick dug into his pockets, but then stopped.

"How much is it?" he asked.

"Forty dollars," Sean answered

"I only have fifty!" Patrick cried, bringing out a wad of five ten-dollar bills.

"You just need to give us _four_ of those."

Patrick began to count, leafing through the money. "Zero, one, two, three, four!" he exclaimed, extending his hand and giving the fifty dollars to Sean. Spongebob sighed and walked to his friend. He tried to explain that zero was when you had _no _money, but Patrick still didn't understand. Sean looked like he wanted to strange somebody (mainly, the starfish).

"Just take it!" Patrick howled. "I know how to count money, so just take me word for it!"

Sean sighed and took the money. "Fiiine!" he relented. "At least we have extra money," he mumbled to himself under his breath.

A bunch of teenagers came by, ready to ride seahorses. Most of them were fish, but one was—can you believe it? A girl starfish. Patrick may have been stupid, but he knew a pretty, young girl starfish. The girl starfish bumped into Patrick, who was staring at her with an open mouth. The girl waved her right arm.

"He_llo_?" she called to the guy starfish in a musical voice. "Do you work here?"

Patrick jumped. "Twenty-four!" he shouted.

"No, Pat!" Spongebob cried. "She wants to know if you work here!"

"I don't work here! I work at the mall food court! I clean tables."

"Oh," the girl starfish said. "Anyway," she added, "I'm Shelly Regenerator,"

She extended a hand and the two managed to shake hands by sticking their suction cups together. When their hands parted, Patrick gave a dumb smile, but who could blame him? He was a simple starfish and Shelly amazed him. Heck, she even managed to amaze smart starfish, but since Patrick wasn't used to girls, he was even more amazed. Shelly was a light peach color, and she had silky, curly golden hair. Her eyes were a pretty green, and she was a slender starfish. She wore a pretty yellow dress with red stripes.

"Come on, Shell!" grumbled a boy flounder, twirling around so he could see her, as his eyes were both on one side of him. "The horses are ready."

The group, which consisted of seven people in all, got on their horses. Patrick gazed, his eyes glazed with happiness, at the girl star. Spongebob, not much of a romantic, shook his friend. "Wake up, Pat! It's just a girl!"

"So!" Pat demanded, puffing out his chest and trying to make his voice sound manly. "She's purty! And she's a starfish!"

"Well, I'm going to go feed the horses for Sean, he's going on a date." Spongebob answered. "And the other worker, Poisson L'Fish, is sick."

And so Spongebob busied himself feeding the three remaining horses, and he also put food in the empty stalls. Pretty soon, the teenagers came back. Patrick was sitting on a fence, and in the sunset light, he gazed at Shelly in wonder. Shelly didn't like being stared at. She glowered at Patrick, who shrank back, and started dismounting. She and her friends headed into town.

Just then, three fish came up. They wore soft blue shirts that said, 'FINNY TOTAL FITNESS' on them in red letters, along with blue shorts. They went up to the office, where Spongebob was locking up the money box.

"We want to rent horses!" they said, just as Mr. Krabs was arriving to check on the stables. He was coming toward the office as Spongebob said, "Sorry, the horses are eating their dinner. We're closing."

"Spongebob!" Mr. Krabs shouted, coming into view. "That's crazy talk! They can ride. The horses can afford to wait a little."

"That's not what…" Spongebob began.

"Me boy, you've got to think sense! We'll be getting one hundred twenty dollars!"

"But, Mr. Krabs! The seahorses don't like…"

"I can't hear ye, boy! Come help me saddle up the seahorses!"

"Yay!" the three ladies cheered at once. "We're going riding!"

Spongebob saddled up three seahorses, feeling very apprehensive. The seahorses snorted and bucked, disgusted at leaving their meals. He almost had to drag them from their stalls, but they stood quietly as the lady fish mounted and got on. Spongebob got on Profit, who snorted and strained his neck towards his stall. Spongebob yanked the reins and squeezed his thighs to get Profit to move forward. He told the other fish how to steer the horses, and they moved off.

The foursome soon entered a kelp forest. They rode along easily for a while, and then Spongebob said it was getting dark, they'd have to go back. As they rode back to the stables, a whiff of baked coral came from a nearby home. The horses, reminded of their favorite meal, coral mash, got excited and began to 'gallop' (swim really fast). The ladies, who'd never ridden once before, got terrified. They started to screech, haul at the reins, and scream, "Whoa, whoa!" –that is, they did all the wrong things. They terrified the horses, who bucked them off. They went crashing into some kelp trees. Spongebob, a good rider, had stayed on. He leapt off of Profit and let him go back to the stables. He went to help the ladies, who were groaning. He heard various cries. "My legs!" "Owza!" "It hurrrts!"

Each one of the riders was on the ground, wiggling. They were stunned, banged up, and sore, but nothing life-threatening happened. Still, Spongebob called an ambulance, which picked up the three fish.

"Boy, I hope you had these ladies sign release forms!" a paramedic growled to Spongebob.

"Sign what?" Spongebob enquired. "Our riders never sign anything!"

"Wow!" the paramedic said as he climbed into the ambulance. "Boy, are you in trouble."

When Squidward heard the news at the Krusty Krab the next day and was told by a worried Spongebob about his (Spongebob's) conversation with the paramedic, he groaned, but a smirk tugged at his mouth under his disgusted expression.

"I _told_ them something would happen!" he muttered to himself. He finally allowed himself a prideful grin. "I was right. Again. A ha! Ha! Ha!" he laughed, his nose expanding and contracting with each laugh.

--

Well, here it is. Sorry, but there won't be any more for a while, maybe not 'til April! I've got homework and other stories to write! Besides, I'm out of ideas. I mean, I know the plot, but I'm out of supporting ideas. :-)


	6. Chapter 6: Idea Conference

The next day, on the news, the Realistic Talking Fish Head announced, "In a landmark decision, Eugene is being sued again. The riding stables he now operates alongside the Krusty Krab are at the center of this shocking story…"

Spongebob was in the kitchen of the KK at the time, looking out of the kitchen and at the T.V. in the dining area. The seahorses had been sold, but for only half of the hefty medical bill the three ladies had suffered. Now Mister Krabs was in "a dither". In other words, he was very, very upset. His eyes were glazed-looking and his shell was starting to crack from stress. He also cancelled Pearl's birthday party. And returned her presents to the dollar store in the mall. Pearl didn't mind about the gifts—her father always got her stupid, cheap ones—but she was disgusted about the party. Her father wasn't that bad off; he was just…stingy.

In an attempt to help Mr. Krabs, Sandy Cheeks was throwing a party and having it catered by the KK. Spongebob was making her order—fifteen barbeque-style Krabby Patties and a party-sized tub of garlic breadsticks. When the order was ready, Squidward drove it to the Treedome, along with a bill. Sandy paid it, and gave Squidward a tip.

Back at the KK, Spongebob was weeping and looking at a photo album of him working at the restaurant. Mr. Krabs came into the kitchen and glared at his employee.

"Spongebob!" he yelled, "What are you doing! Get to work, there's customers waiting, and I've been manning the cash register…didn't you hear me give orders?"

"No, sir." Spongebob sniffled, closing the album. "I wanted to remember the good days, before…before…you sell the Krusty Krab!"

"WHAT!" Mr. Krabs roared, "what the barnacle are you talking about?"

"Well, sir, it seems logical...we lost so much money and all the experts of the Wave Street Journal say that you won't earn enough…enough revenue to make up for the medical bills you are paying the ladies; plus, we've lost business ever since the…events."

"Well, we need an idea to BRING BACK MONEY and BRING BACK BUSINESS!" Mr. Krabs shouted.

Squidward had just come back from delivering the food to Sandy.

"How about a clarinet concert—starring me?" he asked pridefully. Both Mr. Krabs and Spongebob flinched.

"Er, no, Mr. Squidward…I wanted to do something, more, uh…"

"I know, I know, simple," Squidward finished. "I understand! Most of the Bikini bottom-feeders aren't very cultured!"

"I was gonna say 'bearable', but…that works too."

"He can't see talent when it's right in front of him," Squidward grumbled under his breath.

"Spongebob!" Mr. Krabs cried, ignoring Squidward. "Throw out any idea that pops into your head—now!"

"Huh…why not have jump-roping lessons!"

Mr. Krabs and Squidward both groaned at once. Spongebob blinked, realizing that his idea wasn't good. He sighed, and then he thought of the empty stable and all the Krusty Krab and seafaring memorabilia his boss had. He also remembered that a lot of ocean-dwellers liked museums. He looked at his boss with an excited gleam in his big, blue, round eyes and his little buck teeth got even more pronounced as he excitedly shouted:

"A MUESEUM!" and explained his idea.

Several customers cheered, "Mueseums! We want a museum! We don't have any; we have to go all the way to Oyster Rock City for them!"

"Spongebob! Good idea!" Mr. Krabs yelled.

--

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hey guys and girls! The next chapter has finally been installed. WHAT will happen now? Will the mueseum hold any trouble? Or just antiques?


	7. Chapter 7: Night's Labors Lost

Spongebob gazed around Mr. Krabs' house. Though he'd been there before, the number of artifacts still amazed him.

"Isn't this great, Squidward?" said Spongebob.

"No," Squidward replied flatly.

It was late the next evening, and Squidward and Spongebob were bringing the antiques from Mr. Krabs' house to the stables to make the museum. Squidward was only going along because, in his words, "Sponge_mouth_ ruined it all!"

Mr. Krabs had asked them if they'd wanted to help move stuff, and, before the octopus could object, the sponge screeched happily, "SURE, Mr. Krabs! Squidward and I don't mind, right Squid?"

"But…" Squidward had gasped.

"Now, Mr. Squidward, we don't have any objections, do we?" Mr. Krabs growled, "If you go back on your word I'm docking you a day's pay!"

"But I didn't…"

"Spongebob wouldn't lie, he said you wouldn't mind!"

_Yeah, _Squidward had thought at the moment, _but he can be stupid, and so can you, Mr. K._

Returning to the moment, he picked up an old book. The cover was cracked, even though it was underwater  . Squidward read the title to himself: _The Shadow of the Silver Ship_. He practically dropped the book. Mr. Krabs was reading this great literature? Mr. Tentacles was beside himself. _The Shadow of the Silver Ship_ was an important novel by 18th century author Finnak Fishwell. It was an amazing epic about a dark time in Bikini Bottom's history.

Then a yellowed note fell out. It read:

_Eugene. Here's the book you wanted to decorate your house with. It's a reprint of the original._

_--Steel Toe Joe_

Squidward flipped open the book. It was empty, except for a few old, faded, badly-drawn sketches of what Squidward presumed to be Mr. Krabs' old Navy buddies.

"Spongebob!" Squidward shouted to the funny fellow, who was carefully packing artifacts in a wheelbarrow, "Not only is Mr. K cheap, he's uncultured!"

Spongebob gave a loud gasp.

"Squidward!" he cried in horror. "How dare you say that of our great boss! He is a great man, a champion of…of…bossing," he faltered, unable to find the right word. "He pays us just enough, and asks for nothing in return!"

"Except for hours of unpaid overtime and complete submission," the cephalopod muttered to himself.

But saying things never changed anything, and through the night, the two were carting antiques to the future museum, and back again for more.

--

**Sorry it is so short. I've run out of ideas. There's a lot going on in my life, so there will probably not be anymore chapters for a while. But this is what I have planned for the future:**

_**The museum finally opens—but not long after, some government officials look at some of the artifacts and are convinced that Mr. Krabs owns them illegally! What will happen NOW? Will Mr. Krabs ever get good luck, and will Spongebob's and Squidward's hard work setting up the museum 'pay' off?**_


	8. Chapter 8: Something Fishy

"We're finally done!" Squidward grumbled, wiping off sweat (even though he was in the ocean).

"Now we have to put all this stuff up in the museum!" Spongebob cried happily. It's gonna be fun! Should we arrange the artifacts by size? Color? Texture? Age? Or how about by oldest color? Or most colorful texture?"

"That makes no sense, Spongeboob."

"You make no sense, Squid_bored!_" Spongebob joked good-naturedly, then laughed. 'Ehhht! Ehht! Ehht! Ehht! Ehhht! Ehht! Ehht! Ehht! Ehhht! Ehht! Ehht! Ehht…"

Squidward clamped Spongebob's lips shut. "Don't…laugh…another laugh!" he growled fiercely, and for once, Spongebob was a bit _angry _with the octopus. "Stop it, Squid!" he shouted. "It's not like you're laugh is anything special, either!" Then he blinked.

"Oh, Neptune, Squiddy! I'm so sorry!" he wailed, blinking again. "I didn't mean to be rude!"

Squidward muttered to himself, "That sponge could stand to be a little more defensive and serious."

The two headed to catch some Z's—but they'd be at the Krusty Krab early the next morning, so, it being late in the evening, they didn't get much sleep. When Spongebob's big foghorn alarm went off, he leapt out of bed. It was a beautiful day, the oysters were singing, and the sky above the water was blue. A stingray—birds to the undersea world—flew by his window. Spongebob leapt into his square pants, fed Gary, and ate a hasty breakfast of sea-nut brittle and juice. Then he hurried out. He looked around. No Squidward. He waited a minute. No Squidward.

Smiling, he said, "Squidward must be at work already."

No, my good sponge. Squidward is not at work already. Nor will he be at work for a few minutes.

"I don't want…to…get up!" groaned Squidward, who'd had a dream that his art was successful. He groaned, pulled on his old, brown shirt and put on his Krusty Krab hat. He ate a breakfast of coral bits, but ate it slowly. He read the daily paper, sipped his coffee, took his time. He suddenly didn't care anymore. What's that? He never really cared? I know! slaps forehead

At any rate—he cared less than he ever had. He walked into work ten minutes late. Mr. Krabs was manning the cash register. When he saw Squidward, he exploded.

"You oversleepin' land lubber!" cried the distraught crab. "You're _late!_ I'm taking 10 off your paycheck!"

"Oh, goody." Squidward sighed. He took up his place at the cash register just as a green fish with big eyes and a purple shirt walked up. He was a frequent customer, Squidward didn't smile or greet him.

"Can I take your order?" Squiddy said morosely.

"I'll have a double Krabby Patty and an orange soda!"

"Spongebob! A d—"

"Got it, Squid!" Spongebob grinned, passing the tray over. The green fish grinned. "Thanks, SB! Thanks Squid!"

"No problem, Frank," the cashier snapped in sarcasm. "It's my pleasure to slave away as you fill your gullets with crap!"

Before long, the Krusty Krab closed, but work wasn't over. Spongebob and Squidward walked over to the stable and unlocked a shed stuffed with Mr. Krab's antiques and knickknacks. Grunting, each of them carried a huge load to each huge stall. They began to arrange stuff in each stall, in the carriage shed, the tack room, and put some of the more weatherproof stuff on the walls of the covered mounting area. There were no seahorses anymore, of course, but one could still see it was a stable. They arranged the items by age.

At last it was ready. Squidward, with what artistic talent he could summon up, painted a big sign. It read:

THE BIKINI BOTTOM MUESEUM

PRESENTED BY EUGENE KRABS

BUY A KRABBY PATTY, THEN BROWSE

"Everyone" flocked to the museum! Mr. Krabs was estatic. He was making twenty dollars per visit, and the people seemed to think it was worth it. They came again and again, and invited friends. Those friends invited friends. A big newspaper ran an article about it, and people came from all over, even from Sandy Eggo, a big city with steep streets and flashy museums. It was all so interesting, people told the overjoyed Mr. Krabs. The anchors, the ropes, old fishing lures, glass eyes, books, old food cans, and lots more things—it was all so fascinating, people said.

Then one day two male fish in dark glasses, white shirts, black ties, and black slacks came over to the museum office.

"Mr. Krabs, you are in trouble again!" said one fish.

"Why?" Mr. Krabs demanded.

"You have items that belong to the City of Bikini Bottom's Historic Relics Archive!"

"CRAZY TALK!" hollered the crustacean.

"Here's our badges." The men flashed badges quickly before Mr. Krabs' eyes. "Let me see those again," Mr. Krabs said.

"No," the men said. "You've been hoarding items of value! You know under the Relic Law of '88 that all relics must be registered with the Archive and not used to generate a profit, and stored in such and such a way, and let seen when the public demands but not for a profit—except for when the Archive needs funding, or city funds are needed. Because of your dishonesty we must seize the relics, and set up a new museum. We must take 10 of your current profit, and _we_ will show the relics."

"No!" Mr. Krabs cried. "Nooo!"

"There's something fishy here," whispered a new employee at the museum. "Don't say anything now, but get them to delay taking the relics. We've got a mystery on our hands. The Relic Law was in _'85! _And it was cancelled do to the fact that people have worked hard collecting artifacts and only give to the Archives on a voluntary basis…"

So there was a mystery. But how to delay the precious artifacts from being taken? Violence wouldn't work. By the time the lie of the 'officials' was exposed, any violence would land Mr. Krabs in jail…


	9. Chapter 9: A Clever Plan

**Sorry to trick you. If any of you read the latest author's note—it was a ploy to get you all to stay hanging, wondering what happened, for a bigger surprise! But the exciting conclusion is up! (Did anyone read the author's note that appeared as Chapter 10? ) Well, here it is! The CONCLUSION!**

Before anyone could respond, a whole team of fish was whisking everything away. Raising a big, meaty claw, Mr. Krabs prepared to do battle, but Squidward barred his path.

"Stop!" the octopus growled. "Violence will get _you _in trouble!"

"But!" Mr. Krabs gasped. "They are getting away!"

"Let's follow them!" whispered the yellow sponge.

"Like that won't be suspicious?"

Just then, Mermaid Man and Barnacle boy sped up in their Invisible Boat-mobile. They had it off Invisible mode, but both Spongebob and Krabs had an idea. They begged the superheroes to let them ride in the car, and zoom after the apparent thieves. The two old guys agreed. They switched the car into invisibility mode, which made the passengers invisible to all eyes except each others'.

Expert driver despite his age, Mermaid Man sped into Hyper-Drive mode until they caught up with the fleeing vehicle. Silencing the motor, they followed at a safe speed. They drove on and on through the city and finally out of the city, then to a faded, large old shack. The suspicious fishes' car parked and they all piled out with the heirlooms.

As soon as the fish were in the shack, Squidward slipped out of the boat-mobile. Creeping amongst some bushes, he listened carefully. A smooth, attractive voice was saying some awful words.

"Now that we tricked that cheapskate, we can sell these heirlooms. Nobody has seen them outside of Bikini Bottom, I _know_ that! But to be safe, and to get lots of money, we'll go to the Antique Bazaar in Anchor Hollow!"

There was a tinkling and a clang. Another fish guffawed, "We'll make a pretty fortune! And just _look_ at this stained-glass window!"

"When are we plannin' on going?" said a coarse voice.

"Well, doofus, the bazaar starts on the eighth! It lasts two days. We'll go on the eighth, when customers are really flowin' in!"

Gasping, Squidward hurried back to the invisible boat-mobile.

"We need to tell our story to the police and set up a trap!" cried Squidward, when they were at the Krusty Krab once more, "but how will we set it up? They're gone!"

"Let's ask Pearly!" said Mr. Krabs instantly. "She's always reading them Jancy Trew mystery books!"

Squidward groaned, but Spongebob remained optimistic. They got into Mr. Krabs' boat-mobile and sped off towards the crustacean's anchor house. Pulling up, they heard muffled—but noticeable—music. Going inside the house, it was horribly loud, and coming from, of course, Pearl's room.

Pearl was singing along to the song, and even Squidward had to admit she had an amazing voice. Her normal voice was screechy and coarse, but this voice…wow! Spongebob grinned as he listened to his boss' daughter sing.

_What reason do you need_

_To take the next st-e-ep?_

_Mmm, yeaah…_

_Because I am indeed_

_All the re-eea-son_

_You neeed!_

_And—_

"Pearl, girl! I hate to interrupt but I need your help!" cried Mr. Krabs, bursting into the room.

"Daddy!" Pearl screamed, flinging a shirt at him. "Barnacles! Thank Neptune I wasn't getting dressed! Why are Lameward and Sponge-Rube here?"

"Pearly dear, be good!" begged her father. "Something awful just happened!"

"What, did the price of salt packets go up three cents again?" the whale rolled her eyes.

"No! These thieves came and claimed to be officials who could take away antiques—saying they belonged to all of Bikini Bottom! We didn't decide they were phony until they got away, but we followed them and found their hideout! What should we do?"

"How about call the police?" Pearl rolled her eyes again.

Mr. Krabs gritted his teeth. "We were going to; we want to set up a trap!"

"Ohh…" Pearl gasped, "I see! Well, I've got an idea..." And she gave them her plan.

Mr. Krabs picked up the phone and dialed 677, the undersea equivalent of 911.

"Hello, police? I have a crime to report! And I want to set up a trap!"

Mr. Krabs put some miscellaneous old junk back in the stables and announced the 'Grand Re-Opening' of the museum. They posted huge signs everywhere, including by the thieves' hideout. Nobody was interested anymore, though. They had been told the antiques had been stolen. Nobody had heard the fake official's lie, so nobody had thought Mr. Krabs was a thief. Still, nobody wanted to go. They thought all the interesting stuff had been stolen.

The mean fish didn't know that, though, and they went to the museum again, not knowing the suspicions against them. Mistaking the junk, such as fishhooks and things fallen from boats) for treasure, they repeated their bogus story. The police were pretending to be museum visitors. When they heard the false story, they sprang and grabbed the thieves. Spongebob cheered. "_YAHOO!_"

Patrick was there, too. He cried, "Yahoo!" also. Then he saw Shelley Regenerator and her friends walking back from lunch at a restaurant called the Sea Bistro. While the thieves were apprehended, Patrick rushed up to Shelley.

_Oh, no! Not HIM!_ Shelley thought.

"Shelley!" Patrick cried. "Would you like to…to…uh, go over to my rock and uh…uh…have…lunch?"

A green-and-white fish poked Shelley and whispered, "C'mon, Shell, he's cute. He might not be so bad! Look at him, he's so innocent!"

"Well…Shelley said, "I…"

"We are a group called the Sea Scammers!" confessed a burly fish, seeing as he and his 'friends' were caught in the act. "We all were sick of stupid jobs. Being scammers, we could do anything we wanted and not answer to no one! I _still_ don't think 'scamming' is a bad word! If people are so stupid it's their fault!"

"Yeah, well, cheating people is still wrong. It's their property, their money" one policeman answered grimly. "You'll still appear in court, though there's not much hope for you!"

"I'm going to confess, and so are my lead men," the burly fish announced. "That might make our prison term easier!"

"We the jury find Henry Hugger, Nothsa Rehctuk, Van Camp, Gorton Stick, and all their accomplices guilty!" announced one of the jury members. "They are found guilty of scamming and thieving the good citizens of Bikini Bottom!"

"The top men confessed and there was enough evidence to condemn everyone else" said another member of the jury. "Also, we charge Groupy Fishka with damage to another's property—he was driving the truck of Mr. Eugene Krabs' stolen goods when he made a foolish driving mistake and crashed into some coral—everything was wrecked!"

"_No, no no!_" Mr. Krabs wailed. "Not my priceless stuff!"

Then the jury member who'd made the first announcement proclaimed, "Therefore, the group—which is surprisingly wealthy—is ordered to pay $16,000 in legal fees and restitution to Eugene Krabs!"

Mr. Krabs started to sweat. He jumped out of his seat and danced.

"Who cares about all my crap! I'm rich, I'm rich! All the stupid money I had to pay for lawsuits and seahorses and paint is back! Plus extra! Yahoo, yahoo, yahoo! I'm going to splurge and get myself a frozen dinner, instead of economy-priced beans!"

Everyone in the courtroom stared at Mr. Krabs and groaned, then laughed.

The top men in the scamming ring, who'd been in the courtroom, were led off to jail to be in cells in a row with all the other scammers.

Everyone went to the Krusty Krab to celebrate. Spongebob treated Sandy to a Mega Meal and he bought himself some cheesy coral bits, a Double Krabby Patty, and a large cup of his favorite soda, Ocean Dew. Squidward was just happy to be back to normal and not be doing every odd and end resulting from the fiasco.

"To the Krusty Krab!" yelled Spongebob, and everyone clunked their Styrofoam cups together.

"Yeah, to the Krusty Krab!" cried Patrick, a minute late. Everyone laughed. All was well, for now.

"By the way, Pat," asked Sandy, "Did that lovely girl starfish accept your invitation to lunch?"

Patrick looked at Sandy. "Who wants to know?" he asked stupidly, trying to sound smart and tough.

"_Me_" the squirrel replied in a who-do-you-think voice.

"She…" Patrick began…

**A cliffie! What's going on between Patrick and Shelley? Will they start dating—or was Pat rejected right away? Find out in the next exciting and funny installment of the _Spongebob Sagas_--#2: Patrick's Girl?  Note the question mark:)**

**COMING IN 2007!**

**Thanks for all your reviews, and sorry I couldn't make it longer! Special thanks to ActionGal07 for her support (and great SB fics!)**


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